Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Old Military Prayer...

So I was at work Monday the 18th, right? I had got a single, not a return train ticket, because the day before my manager had given me a lift home. She apparantly hadn't brought her car Monday, so I was forced to take the train.

Now, as I ran down to the station at 11:30, the gates were open (as they often are late at night), and my train was leaving in under a minute. I figure, bugger it, I don't have time to grab a ticket, they hardly ever check. I hopped onto the train, went to Redfern, switched platforms (noticing the gates were open here too), and caught the train to Newtown.

I get off the train and walk down the platform, playing Craig's gameboy advance (a boon to the commuter). As I reach the bottom of the stairs and look up, I stop dead. There are two train guards at the top, checking tickets.

I freeze, about-face, and start walking back up the platform, muttering "ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck..." and other such intellectual expressions. My brain is whirring a mile a minute. I walk up to the timetable and see that in 20 minutes, at 12:15, there's train back to Redfern. I can always walk back. I also check my wallet. Might there be an old ticket I could bluff with? Nope. All I find is a Newtown to Hornsby return from the 13th. Oh weel, I'll be ok, as long as they don't come down onto the platform, right?

Oh shit, they're coming down to the platform. They must have noticed my ever-so-stealthy deer-in-the-headlights pose at the bottom of the stairs. I don't look up and pretend to be engrossed in Final Fantasy Tactics.

Guard: "'Scuse me, mate, but could we see your ticket?"
Me: "Umm, yeah sure." *hand them the Hornsby return from the 13th with a straight face*
Guard: "Oh, ok. Here you go. *hands ticket back* There's one last train from here, isn't there?"
Me: "Ummm... yeah, the 12:15."
Guard: "You must have just missed the last one."
Me: "Must have. Heh. Heh."
Guard: "Ok, thanks. Have a good night." *returns to his post at the top of the stairs*
Me: *dies*

So I wait the 20 minutes, calling Tanja and letting her know I'll be a bit late (and waking her up, poor thing). I get the train to Redfern, step off, and there are guards there too. I walk up, hand the the Hornsby ticket, which they hand right back, I walk up the stairs and out the open gates. Homefree.

So, that military prayer in the title? It's an old one, but a good one.

"Thank the Lord for people stupider than me."

Saturday, April 02, 2005

"My God, you're a beard with an idiot attached."

Whew. While since I updated.

Really fast recap: Tanja and me. Noosa. Lovely weather, got a tan, shopped a lot, went to the beach, met Steve Irwin. Drank in swim-up bar.

After I got back, I “quit” the CCA-regime and the field of telemarketing (the quotation marks are because I haven’t actually told them yet) and joined the ragtag motley crew at Borders Bondi as part of the music team. It’s not bad, actually.

Things I’ve learned since starting at Borders:
:: Black Books is wonderful (the boxed set of all three seasons selling at $41 actually wooed me away from buying Shaun of the Dead… at least until next pay), and Dylan Moran is my hero.
:: Shelving books and organizing things is strangely calming. It’s kinda Zen. It’s “Ze”.
:: I am the only one in the store who cares about the graphic novel section. You can’t put American Splendour next to Ultimate X-Men. It’s not RIGHT!
:: Sometimes managers (with names beginning with W) are not the knowledge centres of their sections, and you’ll learn more from a part-timer who started 4 weeks before you.
:: When people change the display, you can get free posters!
:: The film “Hero” is about saying three phrases, then flying at people with swords. Repeat, later, rinse,stab.
:: Little French guys in camouflage will get upset when you tell them that electronica is in the Dance section. “Bhut, electah-roh-in-CAH izznot dance! Then they’ll spent an hour and a half looking at the whole section, and then ask to listen to seven different CDs for ten minutes each (during which, I’m not allowed to leave information) and then get angry when I won’t take an import CD out of its cellophane, and then buy that one import, and leave all the ones he listened to.
:: If your microwave gets broken, a sandwich-maker will appear like magic within a day.
:: Sushi is only good when it has chicken in it.
:: I need more money, as there are many fancy and expensive things I wish to purchase.