The Nature Of Sleight Of Hand.

In the magical world of Ca-Na-Da, where kids eat bacon with their maple syrup and dollar coins are bigger than 25-cent coins, they have a show called Just for Laughs. It's segments of the Montreal International Comedy festival, cut up into half-hour bites of several comics. It used to be on CBC, then was on the Comedy Network, just before Whose Line Is It Anyway.

It was on this weekly, then nightly bastion of rerun that I first saw Penn & Teller, stage magicians. This was far before my current interest in magic, which was reignited with Brian Brushwood's work on Scam School making it accessible (cutting through the curtain that made magic seem impressive, astounding, but overall difficult and the amount of effort put in inequal to the amount of interest given by those watching).

In the 3-minute sketch, Penn played bass and Teller moved through the motions of putting out a cigarette and lighting a new one. Thanks to the magic of Youtube, I don't have to explain it. Just watch:

You see? You see? My 14-year-old mind was blown. It was the mysterious and astounding being shown as ordinary, then it somehow, through critical thinking and explanation, tends to come back around to astounding. To imagine the amount of practice, brainstorming, stage design, rehearsal, and troubleshooting involved in making something look as absolutely ordinary as this... well, it's astonishing. And it's only once you know that you understand.

It may be bullshit, but hey, they tell you that it is. And once you know it's bullshit, it frees you to understand it.

I think I lost myself with that last sentence. But I think people understand.

You understand, right?

Family Values! Now with costumes!

After watching the "Family Values" episode of Penn & Teller: Bullshit! (season 3), in which several non-traditional couples are features, including one who each had a girlfriend and a boyfriend who lived with them, a foursome essentially, Tanja and I had this conversation (while I was cleaning up after making dinner):

T: I think the only way I'd have another person into our marraige was... wait a second. I could have two of you?
L: Yep. One of me could be rubbing your feet while the other cleaned up the dinner he just cooked.
T: Well, one of you would have to love dusting and making the bed.
L: Well, yes. Otherwise, I'd be stuck doing that.
T: So we could go to someone "Don't care about tits, don't care about cock, just need someone to do the dusting."
L: Tanja, you do realise that what you're describing is essentially... a maid, right? You're saying our marraige needs a maid.
T: Well, a maid... who puts out.
L: Okay, so a maid... who's a slut.
T: Yeah, pretty much.
...
T: He'd have to be a guy of course.
L: Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't go changing it up. You said a maid who's a slut, a slutty maid so to speak, and my brain went to one place in particular. I'll thank you not to change it.


Ha!

Gremlins, Timezone Displacement, and YOU!

Tanja and I were discussing Gremlins on the way home from the grocery store.

I first saw Gremlins at my friend Matthew Harding's house. I think most kids have a friend like Matthew: I never would have met him had he not lived next door, and he often had things that even my fairly-permissive folks would not get me. It was in this very same house where I played many Nintendo games for the first time, where I first beat a game (Guerrilla War for the NES, though we had to use a Game Genie and a 6-hour marathon session), where I first saw many PG-13 films (such as Stay Tuned, Back to the Future 2, and others that blew my 8-year-old brain), and ate too much junk food (like the discovery that if you bite off both ends of a Twizzler, you can use it was a straw)*. The reason Matthew always had new games and movies was because his parents were divorced, and his dad indulged him on the weekends he was these by renting him anything he wanted from the Shell station down the block, which was also our video store (it was the 90s, shut up).

So I find it fitting that it was here I saw Gremlins. Gremlins is also one of the few films from my childhood I have not revisited as an adult. I'm not going to go in depth about how I reacted to the film's plot, etc, but I will bring up a few key ideas I came away with. Warning, spoilers, if you've lived under a rock for 20 years.

• The death of the old lady via stair-lift was far scarier than anything in the much-more graphic kitchen scene (though, of the kitchen scene, the microwave was scary, while the blender went past scary and into funny). Possibly because we had one of those stair-lifts at our church, whereas we had no blender.
• You're not to feed any Mogwais after midnight, lest they turn into Gremlins. Simple, right? No. My 8-year-old brain instantly came up with "After midnight? Technically ANY time can be after SOME midnight. And when does "after midnight" become "next day"? 5am? Daybreak? What if the Mogwai is on West Coast time, having recently gotten on a long flight? So if all times are post-midnight, how could a Mogwai eat at all without transforming? Tanja and I discussed that, as the Mogwais and Gremlins are mystical creatures, they may not need food at all to sustain their lives and power their actions. But then, why give Mogwais the urge to eat, and thus give them the means to fall into temptation? And if that IS the case, is starving a Mogwai an act of cruelty, or pure practical safety?
• Also fitting the mystical angle, is the spell that changes Mogwais into Gremlins dictated by the perceptions of the owner, or the Gremlins? One could posit that the owner's time-zone and interpretation could determine what constitutes the post-midnight-danger-feeding-zone, or PMDFZ. Otherwise, the "it's always after midnight somewhere" rule could apply. Then again, the film itself contradicts this: one of the Mogwais unplugs the clock, making it stay on a pre-midnight time, so Billy feels safe to feed it. Had his perception shaped the spell, they should not have changed. However, we are discounting the perception of the Mogwai itself, which was stronger than Billy's, due to his knowledge of the true time, through the fact that he unplugged the clock. Perception+reality+willpower overrides perception alone. And speaking of willpower...
  
• Why is Gizmo the ONLY good Mogwai? All the other spawned Mogwais are seeming little bastards right from the start who actively want to become Gremlins. We're past discussing the urge to eat. We're now into "actively practicing deceit to transform into a more powerful creature and wreak havoc." All Mogwais we see in both films act this way, except Gizmo. Is it because Gizmo is special? Is he Mogwai Jesus**?
  
  Although, how cool would that be?
  You could continue the intellectual fanwank into the fact that Gizmo himself was good, but his earthly spawn were thus tainted by the sinful nature of humankind and their actions. They had the urge to be bad, but not the willpower to control it, thus precipitating their collapse into anarchy, chaos, and sin. Repent, ye sons of Gizmo, the wrath of Billy & his mighty Blendtron 3000 be upon you! The light of his eyes shall destroy ye!
  
  Ahem.
  

You know, once I'd like to do an in-depth look at a film without it descending into religious allegory and spouting Scripture-sounding gibberish.

*incidentally, I also saw my first pin-up calender there, in his basement. It disappeared after we saw it, and whenever I asked Matt about it, he looked hunted and said he wasn't allowed to talk about it.
**Okay, a google search for "Mogwai Jesus" just got me a bunch of Mogwai album covers, so I made my own.


EDIT: And of course, TVTropes provides the answers for a few of my questions:
All There In The Manual: The Novelization has a prologue that explains that Mogwais were genetically engineered by an alien race called the Mogturmen as the perfect companion. However, the vast majority of Mogwais turned out to be dangerous, not to mention the unforseen Gremlin problem. Gizmo is one of the few Mogwais to turn out right.
Always Chaotic Evil: Any of the Mogwai/Gremlins who aren't Gizmo.
Fridge Logic: Don't feed them after midnight? Since the day technically begins at midnight, would that mean you're just not supposed to feed them? Obviously, you can't feed them at night, until the sunrise. When the dark forces are strong in the world and all that.
Woobie Destroyer Of Worlds: One particular Mogwai, stated as Earl in official media, is hinted in the film and novel as being one of the few Mogwai blessed with a more docile personality similar to Gizmo, that is until he is taken to the university to be experimented on and then happening on that sandwich, destining him as another psychotic Gremlin and to the same ill fate as all his other bretheren.
Fridge Horror: What would he have been like if Gizmo had become a Gremlin?

• Possibly shown with "Earl". The novel states that even good Mogwai are converted into murderous sadists upon transforming into a Gremlin.
  

Oh, and it reminds me of this brilliant line from the second film:
"Incredible as it seems, ladies and gentlemen, after their bizarre, bloodcurdling rampage of destruction, these strange creatures now appear to be mounting what seems to be... a musical number."

Thank you and good night.

4 Unrelated Comments

1) I introduced Tanja (and myself) to Penn & Teller's Bullshit! series. I've been watching Penn point for a few months now and have seen Penn & Teller at just for laughs, but the show, for once, has done exactly what I wanted it to do. It's stimulated debate without causing argument. It has hit the metaphorical sweet spot of couples conversation. We've also agreed that underneath it's vulgar showing of nudity and profanity, the show is rather sweet, wanting to think the best of people and asking them to think for themselves, ask questions, and apply critical thinking to everything. Most of all, though, they don't blame the victims. They point out that the villians are those who are running the scams of reflexology, talking to dead people, and self-help, not the scammed, who just want something to divert them from the pain in their lives.

2) Dear comics artists: if I can't tell the people in your story apart, you have not done your job. The writer can do their best job they can putting different voices to characters, but if you make them all look the same, or at least similarly nondescript, I won't know what the hell is going on. Then I'll focus on my frustration instead of the story you're telling, and I'm out of the picture, viewing your work purely as an artistic exercise instead of a work I'm interested in. Sure, I can blame it onMark Texiera on the Moon Knight series "God & Country" but it's an issue I've had before.

3) It's ridiculously easy how one comment from someone we like can puncture whatever security or confidence we have. Yes, I know that confidence comes from within, and thinking that everyone must like/agree with you is a road to misery, but still. One comment, meant in jest, or casual conversation, can, distinctly, cut like a knife. Just sayin'.

4) I can't remember what the 4th comment was.

Cooking Monday: Aussie Berko

So yeah, that whole "I'll do this every week thing? That was a crock. I suck at deadlines. So i'm using this Monday off to take back up the torch (wow, way to grammar, guy).

I was going to put another easy-to-vegan recipe here, but Ted has informed me that he's just bought like 3 vegan cookbooks, so needs no new things right now. So yeah! Meat.

AUSSIE BERKO (or osso bucco)
This is a survival ration (the ingredients are dead cheap), but it's also a warming, filling comfort food dish. It's also stupidly easy, so if you're worried about not having much time to sort something out for a dinner party/movie night, this is your Woodstock.
serves 4

UTENSILS

• Plastic Bag
• Casserole Dish (one that has a lid, can go on the stove AND fit in the oven)
• Tongs
• Knife
• Oven mitts
• Ladle
  

INGREDIENTS

• 1 tablespoon flour
• 4 pieces of gravy beef "osso buco" (BEEF, not VEAL. Ask your butcher. Make sure you get the pieces with the bone in (teehee). This is a REALLY cheap cut, often less that $9.95 a KILO. For serious)
• 1-2 tablespoons of olive oil
• 1 carrot (roughly chopped)
• 1 celery stalk (roughly chopped)
• 2 garlic cloves (squished)
• Small handful of whatever fresh herbs you have (rosemary, basil and parsley work well.)
• Half a 400g tin of chopped or whole Italian tomatoes
• 1 longneck (750 mL) of decent stout or dark beer (get Coopers, or Sheaf if you can, avoid the hell out of Guinness, it's too sour for this)
• Loaf of good bread (optional. I like carbs with my foods)
  

DO THIS FIRST

• VEGGIE PREP
  Chop up your celery and carrots and squish your garlic. Don't be too fiddly, they're going to be cooking for a fair bit. Rip up your herbs, but avoid the stems if you're using rosemary or thyme or anything that has stems.
• MEAT
  Get your plastic bag. Be sure it's decently thick, as you're about to put meat into it and shake it around. So put in your meat and tip in the spoon of flour. Close the bag and give it a shake so the meat is coated.

NOW THE ACTUAL COOKING BEGINS

• Preheat your over to 150 C (300 F, gas 2)
  
• Put your casserole dish on the stove on medium heat. Pour in your olive oil and let it warm up. Once it's hot, put the meat in. This is why you want a decent sized casserole dish, so the meat can all lay flat and brown evenly. Let the meat cook and brown, turning it only once. When both sides are looking cooked, use your tongs to take the meat out.
• If the base of the pan is looking a bit burnt, add a bit more oil, then toss in your carrot, celery, garlic and herbs. Cook for about 6 minutes, stirring often. While this is going on, drink half your stout. Make sure there's about 375 mL (about 1 and a half cups) left.
  
• Turn the heat up as high as it'll go, and return the meat to the dish. Pour in the remaining stout and half your tin of tomatoes. Give everything a big stir. Let it come to a gentle simmer. Once it's bubbling about the edges, use your oven mitts to put it into your oven.
• Wait 45 minutes, then take the lid off and turn the meat over.
• Wait another 45 minutes. Hey, you could watch a movie and drink more beer in this time! :D
• Pull your dish out of the oven and have a look. The meat should be just coming away from the central bone (teehee).
  
• If you've got bread, cut a few thick slices and put it at the bottom of each bowl.
  
• Put each piece of meat in a bowl, and ladle over some of the sauce and veggies. Be sure to eat the marrow in the middle. It's good for you, and will put some chest on your chest.

And that's it! You could serve potatoes or rice with this, but why guild the lily? Booze suggestion: stout! If you're a wine person, get out the big gun shirazeseses you've been holding onto. Hunter Valley ones with a bit of age, or South Australian n00bs if'n you're cheap.

*original recipe from Cooking Under The Influence by Ben Canaider and Gregg Duncan Powwell, two of my favourite food, wine and beer authors. Like seriously, buy anything these two write. I do not claim to own this recipe, I just make it a lot. Dude, why would I claim this is mine? I don't want to get sued.

The Sliding Scale and Perpetual Overcome-ances of Frustration and Anger

Overcome-ances is totally not a word.

I am finally playing Bioshock.

I downloaded the demo when I first got my PS3, and was intrigued by the art-deco steampunk feel of Rapture and the story. What I didn't like, and frankly, it's what I never like, is when games try to scare me.

Okay, seriously, video games. I'm 28 years old. I've lived on two continents where much of the wildlife is actively trying to kill you (like mosquitoes in Canada, and everything in Australia bar some of the sheep). I have enough actual phobias to fill a textbook. You don't need to foist a fear of the dark, fear of creepy children, and fear of disfigured monsters into my head. It won't all fit, like when I took that home-brewing course and forgot how to drive. But I digress. FEAR, that's it. Basically, video games, creepy children and disfigured monsters don't scare me. They won't scare me. So you shoving them into my face going "See? SEE? You have to harvest the Adam while horrible clown people try to eat you." is just annoying. I feel like I have to wade through the attempt at scaring me to get to the actual game.

So the game, and the titular sliding scale. Bioshock, you are a good game. Sometimes. However, you are also an extremely difficult game. Even on Normal mode. Ammo is scarce and occasionally non-effective. Your plasmid attacks use so much of your meter that you only get a few shots before you're out. I didn't discover the fine aim/zoom button until 6 hours in. Hacking the machines is hard and frustrating. And if you DON'T hack, you're killed by rapid-fire machine-gunning robots. The respawning system seems to choose a point at random when it brings you back, so you have to spend ten freaking minutes going "No, it wasn't this destroyed, dripping corridor, it was another destroyed dripping corridor." Early in the game, you have only two plasmid spots. One is electric, the next is fire. Then you're offered a telekinetic one. "Cool, says I, "I'll switch out for a second and if I don't like it, I'll switch back." WRONG. Once I swapped out the electric, it was gone. And did I mention electric is the handiest non-hacking way to kill the robots? Because it is. And now that's gone.

I also reached breaking point when facing one boss (the doctor). I fought him, dying 5 or 6 times, then running back and attacking, then dying again. He'd regenerate health in between. There was a point where I stopped and realised that I had little-to-no-health, little-to-no-Adam, no first aid kits, no syringes, no ammunition, and no money. I actually, physically sat back on the couch and said "No, I don't want to do this." and turned off the game.

Later, as I was playing again (shut up), I fought a Big Daddy for the first time, dying 7 or 8 times, then running back. Happily, he did not regenerate. I defeated him. "YES!" thought I. "Now where's that Little Sister?" She was gone. I combed the level, but all I found was another Big Daddy, who happily began to slaughter me again. WTF, Bioshock? I beat your hurdle, and then you glitch out my reward? You know what? Fuck you!

So anyway, I found, like I said, some bits of the game to be immensely satisfying. The minute you get the shotgun, the fun multiplies. I've also heard from others that the upgrade system late in the game is interesting. But why do I have to grind and grind through endless frustrations to get to the fun?

I had a similar moment in God of War 3. It's a game I've come back to a few times, play a bit of, then put away for a few months. This latest time, I was slashing along, having fun, when suddenly I get to a puzzle. Most puzzles in God of War are hard, but you can work them out.

This was not.

This was a version of Guitar Hero, using a controller. You have to get 45 consecutive button presses correct, including some two-button presses. Any mistake knocked you back to the start.

After 15 attempts and not getting more than halfway, I walked up to the TV, put down my controller and turned the game off. It's now sitting on the shelf, mocking me. I know that any time in the future that I want to play that game, if I want to progress the story, I'll have to beat the stupid mini-game.

Frankly, I couldn't be fucked. There's a moment Tycho from Penny Arcade describes in one of his posts about WoW, where he refers to the moment of transfer between leisure and obligation.

I've transferred.

Why I Hate Firefox

It's very simple. It will occasionally, for no reason at all, without warning, not work. I'll load up Firefox, click on a link from my favourite toolbar, or type something into Google, or whatever, and I'll get this response:

Not just once, not twice, but three times I have to reclick the link (refreshing just reloads the error page). Then it remembers that, oh right, it's meant to be a web browser and yes, these are websites, so I'd better let Lucas browse them.

This has shown up in the last 3 revisions, and each time I hope they'll fix it. They don't. And worse, it won't happen all the time. Just every 6th or 7th link, and it brings my experience grinding and crashing to a halt.

I want to support open source developers and all that but god DAMN this is such a basic thing.

Further anger? MOV files. They look great playing at 720p on the Quicktime player, but no video editor I can find, including Windows Movie Maker, Adobe Premiere Pro, or any of the free things I find can edit the suckers. The minute you try to speed up or slow them down, the framerate goes to hell and the video gets choppy. Any converter you get lowers the framerate. Argh.

Technology, why must it be two steps forward and one step back?

PS and by the by: Anamanaguchi's Scott Pilgrim vs The World: The Game soundtrack makes even the crappiest typing seem like epic haxxoring. Here are some snippets in this trailer:

Whoo-kak!

(or however you write the Harvey Birdman scene-changing noise)

(and no this is totally not a post created solely for the fact that I said I was not going to do two cooking Sunday posts in a row okay maybe it was but you can bite me)

So I now have an iPhone 4! Which is nice. It's my first iPhone, though I pretty much used my iPod Touch like an iPhone. And at the risk of getting called an Apple Fanboy (by Craig and Adrian, mostly), I love it. It's just so freaking easy to do things. It's actually so easy that I feel like I'm doing something wrong, or missing a step, or breaking a rule. My Samsung phone constantly felt like it was fighting against me when I tried to do things like upload pictures, check my facebook or even log into things. The camera is brilliant and takes better and sharper pictures than my last camera, despite being 3 megapixels less. I'm loving all the vintage camera and time-lapse Apps that let me use my phone camera the get me effects that previously took a tripod, patience, software, and lots of time.

Look, I could go on, but I'm mentally censoring myself to try and avoid the anti-hype rage-hate-backlash (that needs an acronym.... AHRHB?). Look, it's a device that works. And I love it for that.

(I just checked. The Scene Change sound for Harvey Birdman is written "Whoo-KOW!)

Cooking Sunday: Dan Dan Noodles

So hey! This is idea I've had for ages, both to share knowledge and to force myself to blog more often (and not just when I feel like whining). Let's call it Recipe Sunday. The whole idea behind making it a regular weekly thing is to force myself to blog in between so that it's not all recipes. So I'm actually tricking myself. Because, let's face it,. I'm not terribly quick on the uptake.

Right! So cooking is something I came to late in life (well, at least properly), and it was initially saddled by my tendency to stress out when things aren't going exactly perfectly right.

This is something I'm working on.

I've found that through a combination of practice, the right recipes, and not having Tanja in the kitchen when I'm cooking (I'm serious, I tend to freak out if she's within arm's reach of any food I'm preparing), I can stay mellow and poised and all that crap.

I know some of my friends cook, but the recipes I'll be posting are stuff I find works for weekday nights, or weekend movie nights. You know, stuff you guys might not normally try.

Most of these recipes come from cookbooks, but I'll make reference to the original source, as well as any adjustments I've had to make (because cookbooks LIE to you sometimes, kids. SUBTERFUGE!).

Without further lily-gilding, I present the first recipe:

(AND SEE? i JUST SAT HERE FOR 5 MINUTES THINKING WHICH RECIPE SHOULD BE THE FIRST. Because I don't want to make it too advanced, but I also don't want it to suck.)

So I give you (for real this time, promise):

FIERY DAN DAN NOODLES*
(and don't get scared, the fieriness is totally adjustable, like the seat back of your car)
serves 4, or 2 hungry people

UTENSILS

• Wooden spoon
• colander
• Big spaghetti-type pot
• Big non-stick pan
• Knives (duh)
• Measuring spoons and crap
• Mortar and pestle (if you're awesome)
• More spoons or a blender/food processor (if you're not)
• A mug
• tongs

INGREDIENTS

• 1 Chicken stock cube (you can use the non-meat ones, it tastes exactly the same, and lets your vegan buddies chill)
• 500g beef mince (stay with me, vegan bros)
• 2-4 tablespoons of honey (the measurement is approximate because you really need to eyeball this)
• 1 375g packet hokkien noodles (or wheat noodles, or udon, or whatever you like)
• 4 handfuls of mixed green veg (after trial and error, I find what works best is broccoli, choy sum, bok choi, Chinese broccoli or Chinese cabbage. Avoid broccolini, cauliflower or things like that because they stay too tough at the end)
• 4 cloves of garlic, peeled (use less if you have big honking monster cloves)
• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• 2 teaspoons ground Szechuan pepper (grind it first, then measure, or else you'll have too much)
• 5 tablespoons of chilli oil (you can buy, it, but come on. It's really easy to make, and if you make it yourself, you can control it better)
• 1 Spring Onions, sliced thin on the diagonal (mostly for show, so omit if you want)
• 1 lime, cut in quarters.

Now this is where I mess with the recipe format. In the book I found this in, the instructions have you doing a lot of crap at once, which only served to stress me out. I prefer to do all this stuff first so that when the heat (and the pressure) is on, you can just dump in various bowls.

DO THIS FIRST
-- Make the chilli oil:
Like I said above, this is totally up to you. You can use ground chili, chilli flakes, or dried chillies. You can use fresh chilli, or some of those wierd packets of BBQ spice if you want. Basically get your powders or chillies or whatever into a bowl and squish them. Use a mortar and pestle, or a spoon, or a food processor or what have you. Add oil (about 5 tablespoons) a bit at a time, stirring, until you have a paste-type thing. You don't want bits. Tap a bit of it onto your tongue. If your tongue goes numb, it's too hot. You want it gradual, so add a bit more oil, stir and try again. Once the oil is done, put it aside.

-- Prep the veggies--
Bok choi: cut it into quarters lengthwise.
Broccoli: cut of the florets as small as you can get them.
Choy sum/Chinese broccoli: cut off the stems and discard, wash leaves. Leave 'em big.
Cabbage: shred it into strips, as big as you like.
Put all your veggies in a bowl and put aside.
Chop up your spring onions if you're using them and keep them apart from the other veggies.

--Make the mixture--
Grind your szechuan pepper. Use a pepper mill or the mortar and pestle or a processor or whatever. You want this like dust, or it'll get caught in someone's teeth. Grab two tablespoons of the powder and bowl it. Dump your soy sauce into the same bowl and mix it around. Garlic: peel your cloves, and either use a garlic press, or chop them up tiny if you're good with a knife. Now comes the chilli oil. Here's the thing: the recipe calls for 5 tablespoons of it, but not everyone can take that. I like to put in 3, and then let guests add more at the table if they want. Mix all of it together, so the garlic absorbs all the good flavoury stuff. Put this bowl aside.

Squeeze your honey into a mug or something microwave safe, and nuke it for 15 seconds, so it's runny. Use more than you think you'll need.

NOW THE ACTUAL COOKING BEGINS.

• Get a big non-stick pan and a big spaghetti-type pot (it's going to have a lot of crap in it) onto two burners. Put the pan on medium, and the pot on high. Fill the pot 3/4 with boiling water and drop in your stock cube. Don't worry, it's cool to sit like this for ages until you're ready.

• Pan. When it's hot, get your mince into it. DO NOT PUT OIL OR ANYTHING INTO THE PAN. YOU WILL ONLY BOLLOCKS THINGS UP. I'm watching you! Keep your mince moving around so it breaks up small. Here's the hard part. You have to sit and gentle move it around for 15 minutes. That's right. 15 minutes. The whole point is to cook away all the grease and liquid so the beef goes all golden and crunchy. It's on medium so it doesn't go BLACK and crunchy. This will take a while. Be patient. Have a drink. Talk to people. Tell an amusing story about a goblin. By the by, this is where the original recipe had you doing the veggies and garlic. Isn't this easier? Right. When your meat is crispy, use a spoon to pour in about two tablespoons of the honey and toss it about. If it doesn't completely coat the meat, add more (see why I had you make more?). Once the meat is coated, let it sit on the heat for 30 seconds to let the honey thicken, then take the whole pan off the heat and let it sit. You won't need it for a while.

• Pot, full of boiling stock at this point. Dump in your noodles for the amount of time the packet says to cook. For hokkien noodles, it's 3 minutes. About with a minute left to go, dump in all your veggies (if the pot's really full, don't worry, the leaves'll shrink). When the last minute is up, use the mug you used for the honey to scoop out about a cup of the cooking water, then pour the combined noodles and veggies into the colander, and give it a shake.

• Now for the flashy bit. Tip the noodles and veggies back into the big pot with the cup of cooking water and tip in your pepper-garlic-chilli-oil mix and mix it all about with tongs. Let it sit on the heat for about a minute, then take it off the stove.

• Get your serving bowls ready. Tongs. Scoop out the noodles evenly among bowls, making sure you pour some of the liquid over each. Get your beef pan, and sprinkle the beef over each bowl. Throw your chopped spring onions over each bowl, and finally, squeeze a lime wedge over each bowl.

And dude! That's it!

Like I said before, if your folks are down with the chilli, bring them a little bowl of the leftover oil and they can have at it.

VEGAN TIP: making this for both carnivores and vegans? Use non-meat stock, and just don't sprinkle the beef on their bowls (that sounded wrong). Also remember to give those bowls more noodles, considering that's all they're getting.

Despite all the steps, this dish looks way more complex than it is and always goes down well. It is, however, VERY garlicky, so if you don't dig that, halve the amount of garlic.

So yeah! Serve with crisp, dry-ish beers, like Asahi, Pure Blonde or Grolsch, or lighter wines like Sauvignon Blanc, sparkling, or Pinot Gris. If you want to really take it to the max (ugh, I just said that, didn't I?) try it with an IPA (India pale ale, hoppy, full-bodied and delicious, not for wimps). Or, you know, water. If that's your thing.

*original recipe from JAMIE'S AMERICA by Jamie Oliver. I do not claim to own this recipe, I just make it a lot. Dude, why would I claim this is mine? I don't want to get sued.

Secret Garbage

So i tried to read Secret Wars, Marvel's big crossover from 1984. You can read about it here.

It's awful. Like really really bad.

You can sort of expect it when the explanation for doing this crossover was:

"Kenner had licensed the DC Heroes. Mattel had He-Man, but wanted to hedge in case superheroes became the next big fad. They were interested in Marvel's characters, but only if we staged a publishing event that would get a lot of attention, and they could build a theme around. Fans, especially young fans often suggested to me 'one big story with all the heroes and all the villains in it', so I proposed that. It flew. Mattel thought that kids responded well to the word, "secret" so after a couple of working names bit the dust, we called the story 'Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars'."

...right.

Here are a few choice bits that caught my attention (I've purposefully skipped all of the self-introductions EVERY character does in EVERY panel, or I'd be here all damned night):

• "Oh, wow! That was, like tubular! You know -- to the max!" -She Hulk in a fight.
  Really? REALLY? Tubular?
• "Torch, when you can bend this ultra-hard alien metal like paper with your bare hands, THEN you can give me orders! Until then, I'll listen to our designated leader: Captain America -- and no one else!"
  And this is while fighting. Good thing talking is a free action.
• "It's no wonder that the name Mister Fantastic is renowned for compassion as well as courage! You give added meaning to the word hero, Richards!"
  And you're a snappy dresser too. Ha-HA! Isn't it nice how they talk like people talk?
  
• "Do you think Cap's handling this right?"
  "Does Dr. J play roundball?"
  ...Wait, whut? Round-what? What-ball? What-what? Is he referring to John Hewson? Former leader of the Liberal Party in Opposition?
• "Well, being absolute master of molecules I can just assimilate molecules when I want, so I never have to be hungry, and I can just shoo away dirt molecules, so I'm always nice and clean -- but I AM tired."
  Why not shoo away the tired molecules. The molecules too molecular? MOLECULES!
• Mister Fantastic: "It's alright, son! Considering the circumstances, why not? When you're done, I'll take my turn! I miss my wife, too terribly!"
  Okay, he's talking about crying and lamenting that you're away from your family, but it just sounds so wrong out of context.
• Iron Man is going around on jet-roller skates. JET ROLLER SKATES. That thud you head is my jet-head hitting the jet-wall.
• "Chubby chance, slow-poke."
  Spider-Man's meant to be quick-witter and clever. And yet.... chubby chance. And two panels later, Spider-Man casually backhands Wolverine across the room. Casually. Actually, Spidey is able to own Wolverine, Colossus, Rogue, Nightcrawler AND Cyclops. On his own. Times have changed, I guess.
• Dr Doom is shown giving two normal humans super-powers with a machine he finds. It's not explained where those two humans came from, or why (considering the Beyonder grabbed a whole bunch of heroes and villains). One of the villains even says "Hey, where'd they come from?" and another replies "Who cares?" and it's left at that. So even the BOOK doesn't care. That explains a lot.
• "Look at that storm, isn't it impressive?"
  "Nah! It's only molecules interacting, you know, and I control molecules!"
  MOLECULES!

I had to stop at that point. That's only three issues. THREE.