First Class

Saw X-Men First Class tonight. I piratified it, as I couldn't drag Tanja into a cinema when it was out (I worry that Captain America will suffer a similar fate).

I liked it. I liked it a lot. But the moment it was over, my brain fell upon it and started nitpicking. And I'm not talking the nitpicking of one who knows the source material, which I am. No, this what story-nerd stuff.

***spoilers, kind of***

Like how I felt that Michael Fassbender did an excellent job as Eric Lensherr, but was a terrible Magneto. The moment he put on the helmet and started speechifying, I stopped believing the character. Admittedly, the speechifying was always the most Bond-villian-y part of Magneto and it's the least realistic. Yes, less realistic than moving metal with one's mind.

This is kind of par for the course for each character. I'll say "I liked the portrayal of this person/character" but then when I start to think about why I liked them, I realise that they didn't really have much to do in the film, so as such, their actions have no explanation, like Mystique or Angel's turns to evil, or Havok, who was basically a blaster, who, as a side-effect, had blond hair. I liked Hank McCoy, but his furred Beast make-up looked silly. Though, as with Magneto, just about any vaguely comic-like version of Beast is going to look silly. Moira McTaggart was an unrelated American character, who frankly, could have been anyone.

Anyway, I keep telling myself, I liked it! Damnit, why can't I enjoy it. What's wrong with me? If I enjoy it, why can't I just enjoy it?

What I Got (Watching)

New look blog! Or at least, until I decide to change it again. The background seems to be the hardest thing to decide on. So expect further changes, as I am indecisive.

I've had all these posts rushing around in my head, so I'm going to try and combine them into a rapid-fire short-form-list of what I've been watching/reading/listening/Apping.

Is Apping a word? It is now.

Warning. Excessive linking ahead.

WATCHING With my longer commute, I've finally been delving into things I've had on the HDD for months, including Transformers Animated, Justice League, Teen Titans, and Transformers Prime. All are highly recommended, for different moods. T:A is arc-based, like Justice League, so it's great to watch the stories unfold when you can watch 3 or 4 episodes in a row. TT is much MUCH more episodic and far less serious (they even have a special Japanese version of the awesome PuffyAmiYumi theme song as a signal that it'll be a silly show). Transformers Prime is as if Beast Wars, War For Cybertron, and the Transformers film series had a crazy LAN Party/threesome which made beautiful shiny robotic baby, and then had it raised with the G1 series as a nanny, which is a strange image and I want you all to forget it. Thing is, I know the first half-season of ALL these shows are not the best. Persevere. They will Grow The Beard. Promise. Also, seeing all these awesome shows has made one I previously loved look a bit shallow. Batman Beyond was always my favourite of the DCAU, and compared to Justice League, frankly most of it seems a bit shallow (but I could listen to the theme song all day long). Oh, and the first season of Batman: The Animated Series sucked. Like a lot. At home, since we've run out of Castle, Modern Family, & Community (which we still love), and Big Bang Theory, Chuck and 30 Rock (which we're starting to wane on, due to Flanderization and Seasonal Rot), we've been looking into movies. The arrival of Netflix Instant streaming into our house caused an evening of Emma/How To Marry A Millionaire (which showcased examples of Politeness Judo & Ship-To-Ship Combat in the former and MegaNekko in the latter). It's also caused me to find the Astonishing X-Men Motion Comic. It's also caused an overabundance of choice, which has led to occasional BSOD moments when deciding what to watch. Happily, there's always Firefly. My podcast watching has slowed ever since I took a few weeks off watching Podcasts while trying to sort out my music library. Then they piled up and suddenly I have 14 episodes of FrameRate, 10 of NSFW, 42 of the Totally Rad Show and 17 Diggnations. Funnily enough, I was about to keep up with Destructoid, Appjudgment, Death Battle, and Bytejacker due to their shorter run times. Though Bytejacker is now on hiatus, which makes me sad.

Oh, crap, that took 34 minutes to write. I might need to pick this "What I Got" thing up later, as I must get ready for work.

Alternative Character Interpretation: Part 1

So this is part 1 of 4 of a series of thoughts I've been having based around characters, specifically those from Lord of the Rings and Fallout 3.

I've always been one to over-analyse. It's an interest I fostered in high school which then went into overdrive in University & beyond. As Simon Pegg put in in his autobiography "Nerd Do Well" (which I highly recommend):

(read the whole paragraph, you, not just the highlighted bit)

Many people's reaction to over-analysis of film or television is "God, you're wanking on a bit. Can't you just enjoy it? Well, yes. Though this stuff mostly comes out in things like Lord of the Rings, which I have seen in its 11-hour-extended-edition-entirety upwards of 30 times. It's a trilogy I love. I love it so much, in fact, that I've become slightly numb to the obvious moments of greatness. And it's that numbness that allows you to notice smaller things that are going on. Which is what we come to today.

Part 1: Wormtongue

Azula: I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with nothing, so you've had to struggle, connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you're born with. The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down. But I know, and you know. (sits on the throne)Well?

Long Feng:....(kneels before Azula) You've beaten me at my own game.

Azula: Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player.

— Avatar: The Last Airbender

(I know, I know, different universe, but it illustrates what I'm talking about so well!)

(also, let's be clear, I'm discussing the film version, as portrayed by Brad Dourif)

So there's this kid, right? He's shorter than all the other kids. He can't run as fast. He's no good on a horse. He is a terrible sword-fighter. In fact, he's terrible at pretty much anything physical. But he's always thinking. He quickly realises that this can be something important and useful, so he develops his mind. He studies medicine, political intrigue, relationships between those in power. He organises things, and through this, becomes quite valuable. He trades favours and offers advice, gaining position through flattery, bribes, blackmail, threats, and in some cases, poison (which his medical studies made him an expert in). Eventually, though, he finds that in this kingdom, you can only go so far without might or skill with a sword. So he looks elsewhere, makes a powerful and dangerous allegiance, weakens the king, and takes his place as the Bismarck to the King's Wilhelm. He essentially infects the entire court with Munchausen-by-proxy: You need me here, to help the King. Once this is established, he is King in all but name, despite only being the conduit for another power.

This is how we meet Wormtongue. He is "advisor" to king Theoden, while being used by Saruman to control Rohan. He keeps the King weak and confused (implied to be through "witchcraft", but possibly through drugs as well) and whispers his & Saruman's wonts into the King's ear. He is still a weak figure, but he is able to command power, changing rules, and banishing those who oppose him. In return, he is promised more power, and especially the "hand" (....yeah) of Eowyn, the King's niece.

Of course, in ride Gandalf and our heroes, and we all know what happens: they awaken the King, who literally throws Grima from the hall. Grima would have been slaughtered, had not Aragorn stepped in.

Grima runs to Saruman, looking for a new place to set up shop. He brings information with him, still his only currency, and trades it to Saruman for shelter. He explains who cast him out (right down to what jewelry they were wearing) as well as the weaknesses of the Helm's Deep fortress wall. At this point, Grima has given up all the information he has, selling out his court, his King, and his people, out of desperation, and of slim hope of his expected reward (regime change, get the girl, all those people I hate go away).

Saruman takes this information and reveals some of his plan: he has gunpowder, all the better to exploit the weakness in the fortress. Oh, and he also has 10,000 magically-frenzied Uruk Hai outside the window, fully armoured and ready to attack. Grima's information was mildly useful, but not essential. He has played his entire hand and lost.

Here's where it gets interesting and I had my little revalation. What I noticed is in the visual composition of the scenes between him and Saruman. Initially, Grima is seated on a throne-like chair, nursing his wounds while Saruman paces. Grima's position implies power, almost as if he is recovering his strength. Once the gunpowder is revealed, Saruman takes centre stage, with Grima crouched behind him, both literally and figuratively in his shadow. Specifically, Grima is holding a candlestick in his right hand. The candlestick is about 40 cm long and has a tiny stub of white candle on top, which is lit. This candlestick is a miniature version of Saruman's wizard staff (a tall black rod, topped by a white ball). This again demonstrates the power difference between them at a glance. Saruman even, in a comical moment, holds Grima back to stop his candle from coming too close to the gunpowder. Apart from the obvious ("Don't blow us up, idiot"), this is Saruman asserting dominance ("What little power you hold, I can control at will"). They cross to the window, and we (and Grima) see the army. The air from their roars snuffs out his candle. For a moment, He and Saruman stand side-by-side, Saruman with his staff in his right hand, Grima with his (now useless) candlestick. The visual comparison is clear. Grima was never more than a pretender, a wannabe Big Bad.

Grima, up until this point, has been a power-player. He has played both sides off the middle for so long that it is second nature to him. He gives the information to Saruman, thinking that while it might allow Saruman an advantage, the Big S was biting off a bit more than he can chew by attacking Helm's Deep. Then he sees the army.

Then he realises that Saruman does not want a regime change. He does not want to win a battle. He wants genocide. He wants all men gone. Grima might have been trying to push other people out of the boat, but he wasn't drilling holes in the bottom. He realises that he's been played, that he had no real power, and that there is now absolutely nothing he can do about it.

So he holds very still, and weeps.

People who aren't funny.

I think the movie Funny People represents an actual, measurable infinity. Not a theoretical infinity, but an actual infinity. So even now as I am writing about watching Funny People, I am still, in fact, watching Funny People.

This belief is due to the fact that I attempted to watch this film when Tanja was in the hospital. I got about 25 minutes in, then switched to something else. I've re-added it to my iPod a few times since then, but never got more than 6 or 7 minutes further. The sheer awkwardness of every conversation made everything seem to take forever.

The other night I sat down, with it playing behind the window on my computer while I did things like fixed eBay listings and read TVTropes. After an age, I glanced up and saw that I still had a fucking hour and a half left and gave up.

Well, I killed that particular dragon tonight. I watched an hour and a half straight of unattractive, awkward-looking people who couldn't have a conversation without trying to make it into a routine or a cliche or something so it's all just boring (it was like I was watching The Room again!).

I get the idea: comedians make jokes to hide that they have difficulty making real connections with people and most people are jerks. Your movie's still not funny or interesting.

But at 2-and-a-half-hours? Fuck me, is it long.

That being said, I completely agree with this.

PS: if I'm reading a book on my Kindle, then I read a bit on my iPhone Kindle App, my Kindle asks me if I want to jump to the page I just finished reading on my iPhone. Isn't technology neat?

Chewie & Han

Oh, hello. Didn't see you there.

This is "Chewie & Han" by Chris Wahl. I saw it and immediately bought it due to it combining two beloved duos of characters from my mental development. Seems to be a theme with me.

Speaking of Calvin and Hobbes, I saw a tweet from Brian Lynch (@BrianLynch) that got me thinking:

I replied, of course, with a few witticisms that he dutifully did not reply to, such as "I am Spaceman Spiff's Smirking Revenge" and "'Calvin you look like you've been pounced!' 'You fell down some stairs.' 'I fell down some stairs.'"

I've since come up with more:

"The first rule of G.R.O.S.S. is you do not talk about G.R.O.S.S.. The second rule of G.R.O.S.S. is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT G.R.O.S.S.! Third rules: two guys per treehouse."

"I know this, because Hobbes knows this."

"Yes, these bruises are from being Calvinball. No, I don't want to talk about it."

I then started thinking that I needed images to caption with these comments. So I started looking (I also found this lovely essay comparing Fight Club & Calvin & Hobbes. Check it out).

What started as me changing lines to suit the new setting in a humourous way quickly became me using images from the new setting to extoll the ideas of the original work.

In short, it went from funny and interesting to depressing and self-destructive. Rather like my experience watching/reading Fight Club.

When I saw Fight Club, I was 19. I was initially intrigued by it's punk aesthetic and rebellious nature and the absurdist way the Narrator cut himself off from society. Then the depressing part set in. "Let's burn it all down." the film decried "Everything you ever thought sucks, you're stupid for thinking it, and you'll never be anything!" Or at least that was how my 19-year-old self heard it. Watching it again (and reading the book) at 29, I was happily a bit more detached. I had read more, I had done more, I was in a very different place in my life. I had learned to appreciate things without assimilating their ideas (a tactic I now employ due to my not needing popular culture to tell me who I am and what I think).

So here are the pictures. Watch the progression! Get some popcorn!

And then the change happens.

So yes. Got depressing. I actually stopped myself before it got any further. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I got rejected on the most promising job interview I've had in a while after they strung me along for weeks and got ID and did reference checks and made out like I had the job. Nothing at all. I'm totally not disheartened by the job-seeking process, and not at all horribly worried about my and Tanja's financial state. In no way am I curtailing all happy impulses, saying that I should be serious and buckling down due to the impending badness. Nope. ....and if you believe that, I have a used Death Star to sell you.

Artoo's Premium Beer

Day 22, in which I tried a 3DS and decided that I loved it and that I didn't just want to buy a DSi XL second-hand from eBay.

That one's a TeeFury.

So I started watching The Last Airbender yesterday. Started is the operative word. I have not finished it. I'm not sure I intend to. It's terrible. The acting is hammy, Zuko's scar make-up looks a) too small and B) fake, the casting is way off (not the racial thing that caused waves when it came out, just that these don;t look like anything but modern kids), and the exposition just grinds out.

I think what bothered me most was the seriousness. Every line was delivered like a sentence of death. Now, while Avatar: The Last Airbender (the series) had big sweeping stories and epic battles and prophecy and such, the kids involved were just kids, and acted as such. More on that later.

So after literally 9 minutes (yes, literally, I just checked the timestamp), I turned it off and put on my Avatar: The Last Airbender episodes.

And was immediately struck by how silly and childish the first episode was.

I thought maybe it was just in comparison, but no. There's Aang sliding on a penguin, there's him with his tongue stuck to his staff, there's Sokka getting sneezes on by a Sky Bison (and reacting as any 16-year-old would). In any case, it's different in the later seasons, but a thread of humour still follows.

It was only when I was making dinner that I realised what it was: we need to see these characters happy in order to understand their pain later. It's the same reason we spend 45 minutes with Hobbits in the Shire before we take off to adventure: we need to know what's at stake. The journey Aang takes to become a fully-realised Avatar involves growing up, putting away childish and selfish inpulses and desires and accepting that in war there is real damage, and there are casualties, on both sides.

I'll forgive a few episodes of silly for that.

But the movie still sucks.

Serenity Saké

Day 9, in which I am a little worn out from practice and the beer that came with it.

...Not that that would stop me. I pledged, damnit!

Today's shirt is yet another Teefury (sensing a pattern?) by Ian Leino (sensing a pattern?). I saw this and not only bought it, but that day dug out my Firefly episodes and watched them again. And to think? I saw Serenity for the first time, having not seen the series, and hated it. HATED it.

I found that it dumped us too quickly into the world, that I couldn't follow the language (was actively bothered by it, in fact) and that all in all, the film wasn't worth finishing. I blame Ted for forcing the series upon me (and a good thing he did). After a few false starts (sensing a pattern?), I watched it all the way through and fell hard for Firefly (I nearly wrote "fell hard for Nathan Fillion... and his crew"). I convinced Tanja to sit through it (sensing a pattern?), and then watched Serenity again.

And hated it, but for different reasons.

I also loved it, let's get that straight. Basically, now that I loved the crew and the story that I'd gone through with them, I found the re-integration of tension that had long-since been worked out in the series was suddenly back, so we could have some tension in the early going. Simon and Mal are at odds again, Kaylee and Simon are back to will-they-or-won't-they, River's still bugnuts insane without any of her clarity from the later series... I understand why they did it, it just felt fake, like it hadn't been earned. The later story, making the Reavers into a front-line threat instead of a (sorry) phantom menace, Miranda, and River's awakening, all that won me over big-time.

So yeah. That was a thing that happened.

Here's hoping Nathan Fillion (who has one of these shirts, bless 'im) gets to buy the rights and make more Firefly. Also, the comics by Dark Horse are pretty awesome.

Legacies

**Warning: Spoilers for Tron: Legacy**



**I pretty much talk about the movie here**



*You have been warned.**


So anywho, i came to Tron late, having not seen the whole film until late last year, then immediately watching the Rifftrax for it, thus securing that I shall never take it seriously ever again.

So I saw Tron: Legacy tonight. And something bothered me.

It was not the 3D, which was fairly slick though seemingly unnecessary in some scenes (I took my glasses off for the conversation on the Solar Sailor, and the cinematography looked far better in 2D).

It was not the whole "putting on the Reich" scene where the bad guy speechifies to amassed troops in a very Nazi way (we'll play a drinking game later).

It's not the bad Final-Fantasy-Spirits-Within-style de-aging of Jeff Bridges.

It was not that the aforementioned Solar Sailor scene stopped the plot dead in its tracks for 30 minutes (the original did that too).

It's the casual murder.

"But wait, Lucas!" you declaim. "This is a Disney film. Surely they'll never SAY die!"

Well, they say de-rezzed, so allow me to explain my issue.

The Tron world is peopled by Programs, who look and act human and are essentially people, and Users, who are humans.

In the original Tron, Flynn is put into the Deadly Discs contest (and later, the lightcycle fight) where he must battle for his life in a kill-or-be-killed situation. Even then, it takes a few attacks on him for him to finally fight back against the human-looking program and defeat him. When asked to finish the job and de-rezz the opponent, he is horrified and refuses to kill for the whim of an overlord. Later, in the lightcycle fight, he does fight back by surviveing, and the nature of the contest spells doom for his opponents.

In Tron: Legacy, Sam Flynn is digitised into the Grid and selected for the games. He's put into the Deadly Discs scenario. He avoids the first few attacks, then sees in the next court that the disc can kill. He immediately launches his disc with intent to kill. It doesn't work at first, and the match becomes heated, with Sam finally de-rezzing his opponent with disc-through chest. He's almost immediately put into the next match. He kills his opponent quickly and uses the extra time to look for a way out.

Wait, what? This guy's been dropped into a computer world for 5 minutes and he's already killing people stylishly and without remorse? And that's just in the games. Once he's on the run, he's blasting those Orange guard programs left and right, sending the digital chips flying.

"But wait, Lucas!" you declaim anew. "Those programs he's killing are Orange Guys. Orange guys are bad guys, just drones. Surely it's okay to de-rezz them!"

Wrong again. Late in the film it's shown that not all captured blue guy Programs are sent to the games. Some are sent to "Rectification camps*" in boxcars**, where they're force-marched*** into glowing orange boxes that look like ovens****, and come out as perfect goose-stepping*****-in-formation Orange Guys.

So allow me to clarify: HE'S GLEEFULLY KILLING BRAINWASHED-AGAINST-THEIR-WILL INNOCENT PEOPLE.

The Big Bad of the film, Clu, is shown as an Authority-Equals-Asskicking dictator, who's destroyed an entire race within the grid because they didn't fit his ideal of perfection******. This is to make sure to point out to those of us still playing the home game, that this mook is a complete monster.

So how do we defeat this monster?

***last warning, major plot spoilers here zomg***

In order to get his son and Token Girly out safely, Flynn uses his physical god powers (which really would have been useful in the big fight) to hold back Clu, then Force-pull him in and reabsorb him, causing a massive energy release that destroys them both and the entire city.

Let me repeat that. THE ENTIRE CITY IS WIPED OUT.

That means every program, good or bad, is dead. That's genocide. And he's the good guy.

I couldn't believe it.

Disney, ladies and gents. You know, for kids!


* DRINK!
** DRINK!
*** DRI*hic*NK!
**** DRINK!
***** DRINK!
****** DRINK! Whoa. I gotta sit down.

Gremlins, Timezone Displacement, and YOU!

Tanja and I were discussing Gremlins on the way home from the grocery store.

I first saw Gremlins at my friend Matthew Harding's house. I think most kids have a friend like Matthew: I never would have met him had he not lived next door, and he often had things that even my fairly-permissive folks would not get me. It was in this very same house where I played many Nintendo games for the first time, where I first beat a game (Guerrilla War for the NES, though we had to use a Game Genie and a 6-hour marathon session), where I first saw many PG-13 films (such as Stay Tuned, Back to the Future 2, and others that blew my 8-year-old brain), and ate too much junk food (like the discovery that if you bite off both ends of a Twizzler, you can use it was a straw)*. The reason Matthew always had new games and movies was because his parents were divorced, and his dad indulged him on the weekends he was these by renting him anything he wanted from the Shell station down the block, which was also our video store (it was the 90s, shut up).

So I find it fitting that it was here I saw Gremlins. Gremlins is also one of the few films from my childhood I have not revisited as an adult. I'm not going to go in depth about how I reacted to the film's plot, etc, but I will bring up a few key ideas I came away with. Warning, spoilers, if you've lived under a rock for 20 years.

• The death of the old lady via stair-lift was far scarier than anything in the much-more graphic kitchen scene (though, of the kitchen scene, the microwave was scary, while the blender went past scary and into funny). Possibly because we had one of those stair-lifts at our church, whereas we had no blender.
• You're not to feed any Mogwais after midnight, lest they turn into Gremlins. Simple, right? No. My 8-year-old brain instantly came up with "After midnight? Technically ANY time can be after SOME midnight. And when does "after midnight" become "next day"? 5am? Daybreak? What if the Mogwai is on West Coast time, having recently gotten on a long flight? So if all times are post-midnight, how could a Mogwai eat at all without transforming? Tanja and I discussed that, as the Mogwais and Gremlins are mystical creatures, they may not need food at all to sustain their lives and power their actions. But then, why give Mogwais the urge to eat, and thus give them the means to fall into temptation? And if that IS the case, is starving a Mogwai an act of cruelty, or pure practical safety?
• Also fitting the mystical angle, is the spell that changes Mogwais into Gremlins dictated by the perceptions of the owner, or the Gremlins? One could posit that the owner's time-zone and interpretation could determine what constitutes the post-midnight-danger-feeding-zone, or PMDFZ. Otherwise, the "it's always after midnight somewhere" rule could apply. Then again, the film itself contradicts this: one of the Mogwais unplugs the clock, making it stay on a pre-midnight time, so Billy feels safe to feed it. Had his perception shaped the spell, they should not have changed. However, we are discounting the perception of the Mogwai itself, which was stronger than Billy's, due to his knowledge of the true time, through the fact that he unplugged the clock. Perception+reality+willpower overrides perception alone. And speaking of willpower...
  
• Why is Gizmo the ONLY good Mogwai? All the other spawned Mogwais are seeming little bastards right from the start who actively want to become Gremlins. We're past discussing the urge to eat. We're now into "actively practicing deceit to transform into a more powerful creature and wreak havoc." All Mogwais we see in both films act this way, except Gizmo. Is it because Gizmo is special? Is he Mogwai Jesus**?
  
  Although, how cool would that be?
  You could continue the intellectual fanwank into the fact that Gizmo himself was good, but his earthly spawn were thus tainted by the sinful nature of humankind and their actions. They had the urge to be bad, but not the willpower to control it, thus precipitating their collapse into anarchy, chaos, and sin. Repent, ye sons of Gizmo, the wrath of Billy & his mighty Blendtron 3000 be upon you! The light of his eyes shall destroy ye!
  
  Ahem.
  

You know, once I'd like to do an in-depth look at a film without it descending into religious allegory and spouting Scripture-sounding gibberish.

*incidentally, I also saw my first pin-up calender there, in his basement. It disappeared after we saw it, and whenever I asked Matt about it, he looked hunted and said he wasn't allowed to talk about it.
**Okay, a google search for "Mogwai Jesus" just got me a bunch of Mogwai album covers, so I made my own.


EDIT: And of course, TVTropes provides the answers for a few of my questions:
All There In The Manual: The Novelization has a prologue that explains that Mogwais were genetically engineered by an alien race called the Mogturmen as the perfect companion. However, the vast majority of Mogwais turned out to be dangerous, not to mention the unforseen Gremlin problem. Gizmo is one of the few Mogwais to turn out right.
Always Chaotic Evil: Any of the Mogwai/Gremlins who aren't Gizmo.
Fridge Logic: Don't feed them after midnight? Since the day technically begins at midnight, would that mean you're just not supposed to feed them? Obviously, you can't feed them at night, until the sunrise. When the dark forces are strong in the world and all that.
Woobie Destroyer Of Worlds: One particular Mogwai, stated as Earl in official media, is hinted in the film and novel as being one of the few Mogwai blessed with a more docile personality similar to Gizmo, that is until he is taken to the university to be experimented on and then happening on that sandwich, destining him as another psychotic Gremlin and to the same ill fate as all his other bretheren.
Fridge Horror: What would he have been like if Gizmo had become a Gremlin?

• Possibly shown with "Earl". The novel states that even good Mogwai are converted into murderous sadists upon transforming into a Gremlin.
  

Oh, and it reminds me of this brilliant line from the second film:
"Incredible as it seems, ladies and gentlemen, after their bizarre, bloodcurdling rampage of destruction, these strange creatures now appear to be mounting what seems to be... a musical number."

Thank you and good night.

Asses, and the kicking of same.

So I downloaded the movie Kick-Ass today. I feel a little bad downloading it illegally, but then again, I couldn't convince Tanja to go see it when it was at the cinemas, and it was gone before I could organise nerds to see it. I had bought the trade of the series and read it months ago, before the film came out.

So my thoughts upon seeing the film? "Man, I can't wait to blog about this."

So yeah.


**warning: Spoilers for the comic and film Kick-ass. Your punk-face be warned.**

I think they missed the point.

I read interviews with Mark Millar (the writer of the comic), who said his aim was to try and present a realistic take on the Superhero origin story. And no, not a Batman Begins "realistic" take. I mean, a 16-year old kid up and decides to be a superhero. Well, a vigilante. Well, a guy in a wetsuit who decides to beat on people for justice, or some such. Problem is, he can barely fight, has no physique, training, or powers to speak of, so he gets beat up. Like a LOT. John Romita Jr's art shows the brutal detail of the amount of damage that a few street thugs can do to a person. So anyway, the line in the comics was that it doesn't take a radioactive spider-bite or a dead parent to make a super-hero. It just takes the right combination of boredom and despair. The film takes this line and declares "It just takes the right kind of optimism and naivety." Uh oh.

So I'm not going to run through the plot, but I'll hit the main things they changed in the film that bugged me. In the increasingly original point-form:

1. Hit-Girl and Big Daddy.

Hit-Girl, they did right. In a nutshell, she's an 11-year old girl who's been trained and conditioned to be the deadliest thing on two legs with any weapon she can get her hands on. No fear, no hesitation, she will literally kill you as soon as look at you, in a number of deadly and interesting ways.

Big Daddy, however, they messed with. In the comics, he was first explained to be an ex-cop, who was framed by crooked cops in the employ of the mob kingpin and sent to prison. His pregnant wife committed suicide, but they saved the baby. 5 years later, when he got out, he took custody of her, and turned her, rather lovingly/brutally, into Hit-Girl. He funded their operation with a secret silver suitcase full of something that he sold on a regular basis but kept secret from Hit-Girl.

But it was all a lie.

Comics-Big-Daddy was actually an accountant for a credit-card company who had a wife who hated him, and a job he loathed, so he took his comic book collection and his baby girl and ran away. He wanted her to be special, so he trained her, gave her a mission, and made her into Hit-Girl. The real connection to the mob kingpin? They needed a villain, and he had been on the news. The silver suitcase? About a million bucks in old comics he sold to dealers all over the country.

Now THAT'S a fuckin' origin story.

So the film. They took all of the above, EXCEPT the fact that it was all a lie. Film-Big-Daddy WAS an ex-cop. So instead of deconstructing the what-makes-a-hero idea, they played it as absolutely straight. Sigh. And they gave the role to Nicolas Cage. Sigh. And they designed his costume (which in the comics is a kevlar vest, a trench coat, and a dark red mask which covers his whole face except for eyes and hair) to look like Batman without the ears. Sigh.

2. Red Mist
In the comics, Red Mist is introduced as a copycat hero to Kick-Ass. In every aspect, he's better: he has a cool car, a better costume (with cape), and seems to have it all together. He and Kick-ass meet up, and team together for a while. even doing some straight-up hero-ing, such as saving what they thought was a child and what turned out to be a cat from a burning building. Kick-ass starts to improve as a hero around Red Mist, and they become friends.

But it was all a lie. Again.

Red Mist was, in reality, the son of the mafia kingpin, who was also a comics nerd. He went to his father (who found him useless), and offered to help by befriending Kick-Ass and bringing him into a trap (the kingpin wanted Kick-Ass, because he had been blamed for a bunch of mob guys, Big Daddy and Hit Girl had killed). Red Mist gleefully reveals to Kick-Ass that he played him for a sucker and never liked him anyway. Their final match-up is no epic battle, as Kick-Ass just clubs him with a bat and leaves, telling him he's pathetic. The reveal of Red Mist as a villain is a big shock, as the mafia-son had only been referred to once in one panel two pages into the book. The fact that he and Red Mist were one and the same was shocking enough that I leafed back to that page and looked again.

So the film. They introduce the son early, but they keep him around. They show him trying to be a big shot like his dad, and wanting to help. He then comes up with "a plan" and tells his dad he can get him, but he'll "need some stuff." Cut to the next scene with the reveal of the Red Mist costume. Snore. He meets up with Kick-Ass and they drive around. The fire? It's a trap Red Mist was taking Kick-Ass to, where his dad's goons were waiting, but Big Daddy got there first and lit the place on fire. So they rush in, but save no one. Snore. Then when the kingpin does capture Kick-Ass, Red Mist pleads with his father to let him go, as he didn't do anything (because they're such tight buds, from that one time you were hoping to get him killed, but it didn't work out). His father ignores him. Leter, when Kick-Ass escapes, Red Mist attacks him, they're evenly matched, though the fight is pathetic and consists of them hitting one another with random martial arts weapons until both fall down. Kick-Ass wakes up first and leaves. Snore. It also doesn't help that they cast the kid who played McLovin in Superbad to play Red Mist. I wouldn't have been able to look at Red Mist and not know "Yep, it's that guy."

3. The romantic plot.
So Dave (that's Kick-Ass to you) has a huge crush on a girl named Katie who doesn't know he exists. After his first Kick-Ass fight, he's left a bloody mess. In the comics, the thugs steal his costume and leave him naked for the paramedics. Shortly after, Katie begins talking to him. He atributes it to his new confidence, but his friends advise him that it's due to a rumour that he was "pimping his ass in the village" and that he was being beaten up by his clients. Katie's mom runs an abused womens' shelter. She Katie is feeling pity, and is thinknig of him as her "gay best friend". He decides to go with it, as a way to get closer to her. It's played as really, really sad. At one point, after a big fight, he stands outside her house and declares that he is Kick-Ass, and no, he's not gay! He then promptly runs. Later, she says that someone stood outside her house yelling he wasn't gay, and was that you, Dave? "Yes," says Dave. "I'm not gay. And I love you." And then he says all this great stuff about how she's the only one for him and he cares bout her so much and loves her and stuff. Her response?

"FUCK YOU! You manipulative little prick! How dare you make a fool out of me!"

And then she tells her large boyfriend to beat the shit out of Dave. Which he does. She then SMSes him a picture of her sucking the boyfriend's cock.

Wow.

Oh, the film version? He reveals that he's Kick-Ass, and that he's not gay. She lets him spend the night, and they have lots and lots of sex. Sigh.

4. The Tone.
I don't have the energy for scene-by-scene comparison at this point. The early, brutal, learning-to-be-a-super-hero-and-getting-beaten-badly stuff is played in a silly, irreverent way. Later, the tone goes ponderous. Instead of Big Daddy's death being a single execution-style shot played in a shocking way, he's lit on fire for ages and ages as Hit-Girl tried to get to him, and he lives long enough to have a whole deathbed conversation. Instead of Hit-Girl getting revenge on many, many of the bad guys before being overwhelmed, and a weakened Kick-Ass saving her with a pistol (shooting a guy in the crotch which gives Hit-Girl the second she needs to escape and finish everyone off), she goes mano-a-mano with the boss, who she for-some-reason can't defeat, and Kick-Ass saves her on a jet-pack. With two miniguns on it. And shoots the boss with a bazooka.

So yeah.

I don't know, I'm rambling, but I mostly feel that the film was just-okay, and mostly a missed opportunity.

EDIT: Ooh! I thought of a way to sum this up! I was trying to explain to Tanja why I was so let down, and it hit me. The book basically says that Dave, as Kick-ass, acts as though the world will follow the story tropes of the hero's journey: it'll recognise his courage, give him the girl, allies who are both noble and effective, and a villain he can defeat. Instead, he is repeatedly smacked in the face that the world does not run on narritivium* but is mostly an unfair and uncaring place. Despite this, he does manage to be a hero, and do some good. The film basically takes the premise and gets none of the message. Dave gets the girl, beats the bad guy, and gets to feel okay and get a happy ending. So yeah.




*copyright Terry Pratchett

O.G.: Origin Gangster.

After watching Iron Man 2 with Tanja and the Nerd Herd, I was watching the Totally Rad Show review of it at the gym. It got me thinking about films and origin stories, specifically when it comes to superheroes and comic book films.

Now, I've heard from people that the second film can be more difficult than the first, due to the terrors of sequelitis, the law of diminishing returns, and viewer fatigue. Other comments have said that sequel films are easier due to the fact that you don't need to spend half the film introducing everyone, but can get right down to telling the story you want.

Where it gets interesting with Superhero stories is simple: everyone knows the end of the origin story. We know Peter Parker will become Spider-Man. We know Bruce Wayne will be Batman. We know Wolverine may take off in a snit, but he'll always come back and be part of the X-Men. Everyone knows this plucky kid/cavaleir inventor/troubled man will become the superhero. If nothing else, we know it because it was on the poster for the film that we walked by to get into the theatre. So how do you build tension?

Well, in the case of the better superhero stories/films, you make the origin not about the destination, but about the journey. This can be difficult, and may require fleshing out due to the fact that most comic book origins are a single issue. That's 16-25 pages, with ads, to go from soup to nuts, introduction to actualisation. In the 40s, 50s, and 60s, it was not hard. Hey look! That's your hero. We know because he's on the cover. He got his powers from a lightning strike and now he can run fast, calls himself The Flash, and fights crime. Boom. Done. That took about two pages. That, however, makes for a terrible film. So the better ones (which is how I started this paragraph) take their time and use the origin to establish character.

Batman? Show the parents' death. Show the training. Show how determined and dangerous he becomes. Spider-man? Show the getting of the powers. Show the fun side. Show it turning dark and the acceptance of responsibility. Iron Man? Show him cavalier. Show his interest turn from the frivolous to the immediate (ie survival). Show him using his genius outside the box and that with constraints comes true discovery (In a CAVE! With a BOX OF SCRAPS!).
This is why, when Marvel asked Brian Michael Bendis to create a new variant of Spider-Man (Ultimate Spider-Man) with no continuity to the 40+ years of history, he took a bold step and instead of telling the origin in the first issue, he used the entire first story arc. All 6 issues of it. And it was heralded as a masterpiece of storytelling. By the end of it, we don't just know Spider-man. We know Peter Parker, the kid who, just maybe, has it in him to be a hero.

I have no idea where I was going with this, but I find all of this fascinating. I love the wayposts of the Hero's Journey. I love looking at stories, be they film, book, comic or TV show slightly off to the side so you can see the strings. It the same reason I love magic. You can watch it and love the spectacle, and you can also appreciate the technique. Plus, once in a while, a magician will do something where you have NO idea how he did it. And that's real magic.

An end before a return.

So it's the last day of my holidays and it's time to review my list.

[-]record a demo show for Mike's radio station's boss:
Did not do. I've organised the ideas a bit more clearly in my head (that I'll make two shows, one as an indie/rock show, you know, for kids, and one as an anything-goes with three songs at a time on a theme). I haven't recorded any talking because I don't have a microphone because yes, I procrastinated on that too. I've now bought one off eBay, but it's not going to get here in time. I also find it ironic that my brain's response to not get anything done on a task is to create more tasks for me not to do.

[-]register my ABN and look into the shirt press idea that I meant to do in freaking January.
Nope. Started the ABN process Wednesday morning, only to find that before I can get one, I should a) register my business via snail mail which takes two weeks and costs $152, and b) be "already conducting business." What? Before I get registered, I'm to be conducting business? Tanja later explains that they mean I should be ready to go and start the day my ABN is registered. It seems they're petrified of people registering, then not filing any returns for 6 months. Problem is, the money I need to lay out for equipment and substrate is substantial. The whole point is that I have an ABN so I can claim it back as expenses. Then there's the equipment I researched. Turns out there are a few different methods of heat-pressed inkjet printing, and my current printer and inks will produce shirts that fade in two washes. So now, instead of a heat press and sheets, I need a heat press ($450-$1150), a special dye sublimation printer ($675-$1000), special inks to go with the printer, special sheets (two kinds, one for cotton, one for dark clothes, both about $1.50 per sheet), plus the actual shirts to print on.

Further study is needed.

[-]practice with Ted and lay down some tracks.
We practiced yesterday. Ted has a very fancy new kit that he's letting me use that has great snap and response. However, I was not as sure of the one track we wanted to record as I thought, and stumbled through a few records. We then tried to improv on something new, which we kind of did. Then we talked about games and stuff for ages. I then showed him the works of Brian Brushwood, which he liked (I think. It's hard to tell with Ted) which was awesome, but not productive.

[-]relax a little. Sometime.
It's so weird. I didn't feel like I was on holiday this whole holiday. As I described it to Tanja, it was like an extended Sunday that lasted two weeks. Now, don't get me wrong. Sundays are nice. I like Sundays. But there's always the knowledge that the next day is a Monday, so you don't completely relax. I'm not sure I completely relaxed all fortnight. We did fun stuff, like seeing How To Train Your Dragon and Tanja's dad's 60th (where, apparently, I was the life of the party, go figure), I've been cooking more, to more or less okay results (only one mishap involving a pot burning). So why aren't I all mellow?

When Tanja finished her holidays, she was very sad, not wanting to return to work. However, her first day, she said she was all energised and got lots done.

Here's hoping.

Wierdness=creativity

I feel weird. I blame the weird-feeling on my screwing-up of my normal routine. I woke up, had cereal, went to the gym, then came back, had juice and two cups of coffee (I usually have juice and coffee with my cereal, THEN go to the gym). So now I'm shaky, my head is pounding and I'm dizzy. I was taking a shower, trying to clear my head, but all I could think about were random geeky and obscure references I could put on t-shirts. The first one?

 

[Silhouette of man's head with long curly hair] = [silhouette of shapely female form]

(taking off on the line from the Wog Boy about "having the curls to get the girls.")

 

Then I started thinking about Roadhouse and the ideas exploded:

 

·         [Silhouette of a man in blue with his right foot illuminated in red, possibly with a cutaway showing the razor in the toe of his boot]. On the back: RIGHT BOOT.

·         PAIN  ≠ HURT

·         Two separate Euler circles, not intersecting, one marked "MY WAY" the other marked "HIGHWAY".

and finally

·         "TOO STUPID TO HAVE A GOOD TIME"

 

If and when I make these, I'll have to send a bunch to the Rifftrax crew.

 

Tanja has just brought me a turkey, red kraut & cranberry sandwich, so I must eat. Hopefully I'll feel better.

---

Windows Live: Keep your friends up to date with what you do online.

Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo (warning: long & nerdy)

Went to see TF: RotF (which I still read as "Transformers: Rolling On The Floor"). Some impressions (slight spoilers):

Though he was only there for about 10 seconds, I really liked the inclusion of Sideswipe. He was one of my favourite G1 characters when I was young. I also like that his movie alt-form (a new Corvette Stingray concept) was similar to his old school alt-form (a red Lamborghini Countach) in that they are both bedroom poster fodder. Who cares if they're illogical? They look badass.

Speaking to the robot forms for a moment, it was nice to see a little bit of variation (Demolishor, the 2-wheeled gyroscope-style robot from the trailers, though again, he got 4 minutes of smashing stuff before being put down, Doctor Scalpel, Wheelie, as well as Jetfire and Soundwave, but more on them later) but the majority of the Decepticons just looked like generic robots out of the model kit. They even recycled the CG models of Blackout and Bonecrusher from the first movie! Teletraan-1 said the Blackout lookalike was another character called Grindor, who merely had the same alt-mode. The piles and piles of Decepticons that show up near the end of the film for the big battle? We have no idea who they are. They don't get names. For most of the movie, I was thinking that I couldn't wait to get home and look these characters up on Teletraan-1 to see who the hell they were meant to be and why I should care. Let me paint the picture: over-designed vaguely humanoid shaped silver/gun-metal grey robot with slight defining bits on the shoulders (car doors, wings, bulldozer treads, backhoe tires). Yeah. I can totally tell one of those from another. Yeah. Even Megatron was hard to differentiate towards the end. Oh, was that Megatron that just got hit really bad and lost an arm? I don't know.

Speaking of Megatron, was it me, or did he get a major power-down for this film? I mean, he was essential the second-in-command to The Fallen, so he took a level drop in Badass. He got his cool new tank form (gained by having some minions ripping apart one of their own in a creepy moment, also foreshadowing Prime's upgrade) that could somehow fly. Then he is tough for the whole film until the last 30 minutes when he become just another Decepticon getting beat back by the army (see my gripes about the army below) and ends up getting a cowardice lesson from STARSCREAM of all people.

Good designs that caught my attention:

Jetfire. An SR-71 Blackbird. Completely fits with the character (who was the baddest thing on the block back in the day, but is now falling apart and prone to mechanical failure). And I got to be a smart guy when I reminded Adrian that G1 Jetfire was a Decepticon scientist who later defected. Plus he gets to kick a large level of backside and, according to Teletraan-1 is made of "100% pure concetrated ownage".

Skids & Mudflap: Though their robot modes were beaten with several ugly sticks and their behaviour was borderline offensive, here's what was interesting about them. The original G1 Skids was a Honda City Turbo (seen here) but was always mistaken for a minivan, as described here: "Though Skids' toy turned into a Honda City Turbo, his car mode was often misinterpreted in Transformers fiction as one of the then-new minivans, despite the fact that a Honda City Turbo is a subcompact car, and as such, could theoretically be stowed in the back seat of an actual minivan. This is likely because most Americans in 1985 wouldn't know what a subcompact car is." So when they design Skids and Mudflap for the Movie, they were a Chevy Beat and a Chevy Trax, both members of the newly made compact-pseudo SUV-marketed-as-cars like the Toyota Matrix and the Pontiac Vibe.

Soundwave: HE MADE IT! After getting cut from the first movie, Soundwave shows up. Soundwave as communications satellite was awesome, though I would have liked to see him take a more active role. Plus, Frank freakin' Welker's voice (though without the flanger/digitisation he sounded like Dr. Claw).

Ravage: Killer design, looks way dangerous, and a bit similar to his steampunk Hearts of Steel design. However, he did this thing while infiltrating the base where he spews up a bunch of what look like iron filings, but are actually nanobots that form into a skeletal, nearly-2d robot. What hit me later was the question of this 2d bot's existance. Was he a drone, controlled by Ravage? Was he a form of Ravage himself? Was he a seperate entity that separates from Ravage like Ravage himself did from Soundwave or Scoponok from Blackout? Once again, Teletraan-1 to the rescue. It seems those were Insecticons that Ravage can launch and cotrol at will, and similar to the one Sam sees later. But none of that was apparent.

Bad Designs that caught my attention:

Alice: okay, I get that she was meant to be a Pretender (though, again, i had to be the know-it-all-jerk and explain it to Craig and Adrian), but jeez louise, if you're meant to be an attractive female, don't pick a body that looks like a former-size-zero-supermodel dunked in pork grease and then expect the audience to go "Phoar, isn't she hot." The only reason she exists is to play out a tired just-caught-with-another-woman cliched storyline to make us think that the Power Couple of Sam & Mikaela would break up. Yawn. Also, am I the only one sick of TV and movies where the following scenario is acted out: the Hero With A Girlfriend (or HWAG) is macked upon by Random Obvious Slut Girl (or ROSG). She'll pin him against the wall, or sit on his lap, or basically physically intimidate him against his will. The HWAG will stammer and squirm, look uncomfortable, and maybe have his eyes dart around looking for a way out for comedic effect. Dude. Strange girl sits on your lap? Shove her. Stand up. Push past her. Drop her like yesterday's newspaper. I mean, this may be me getting amped up about this, but I was near to yelling at the screen. Think I'm overreacting? Picture a guy doing that to a female character. Yeah. It's pretty much an "I like a girl with spirit"-leading-up-to-date-rape situation.

Devastator. Really? That's your pitch? He's essentially an inflated plastic bag with legs, made of metal, and stealing Unicron's main attack, which is to suck everything into his mouth. Yes, you heard it here first, he sucks hard. He sucked an Autobot so hard his face nearly got blown off. I am not making this up. Also, since he's the token fat guy, want to know what challenge he gets? Climbing a pyramid. He even has long hooks and lines to help him climb, but he just keeps sliding down. I began to internally cheer for him. You can do it, biggie! Climb! And then he gets to the top, only to have his head blown off by an unemployed former-government agent-current-deli-worker with a radio-controlled railgun. Let that be a lesson to people who struggle with their weight: never climb anything.

It was WAY WAY too long. Like 45 minutes to an hour too long. The film is 3 hours. This puts it into Anthony Hopkins' Nixon and Lord of the Rings territory. Hey, Michael Bay! I could tell you exactly what to cut. You know when there's the big setup for the battle near the end, and Starscream is attacking, and he send off an EMP which cooks the radios of the troops, and then buggers off? That's where you start, because the next long while is a bunch of military-looking guys sitting in front of computers, barking generic military dialogue led by Glenn Morshower (who I always see as the Ensign from Under Seige that Steven Seagal puts down by saying it's sad that he won't get to see him go through puberty). Then we have planes being redirected, tanks landing, and lots and lots of other unnecessary shots to, I'm assuming, please the military suits who gave Michael Bay a dump truck full of money and wanted their dump-truck's worth. Yawn again. On a side-note, they should ask for some of their money back for this reason. Bay's military don't learn! In the first film, Lennox and his squaddies figured out that conventional weaponry, even tanks, are useless against Transformers larger than a breadbox (the little ones can be whacked with axed, cut with saws, whatever). It took magnesium Sabot rounds burning at 6000 degrees to hurt the smallish Scorponok. So then later in the film, Lennox is able to kill Blackout on his own, using a grenade launcher retrofitted to fire Sabot rounds. In this movie? They're shooting with assault rifles, tanks, and what have you, and, depending on the scene, it's completely useless, or useful. What the?

Anyway, I could talk about the story, such as it was, but this entry is long enough. I gotta wrap it up somewhere. Yeah, it was an okay Transformers movie with some fun action and explosion, but I don't think it's a good movie.